2014, for me, was a year of falling hard, fighting to survive, and then learning to live again. It was a hard fight (one that I still have to battle daily) and in many ways, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. But in many more ways, I’m weaker than I’ve ever been. And for the first time in my life, I’m okay with that because now more than ever, I believe with all of my heart “The lord is my strength and shield” (Ps 28:7). God’s strength > my weakness. And not only that…his power shows up in my weakness. So that’s how I want to live this year…boasting in my weakness and his power (2 Cor 12:9), living in His strength and joy (Neh 8:10), dressing myself in it and growing in physical strength (Prov 31:17), using it in fellowship with others to understand more of His love (Eph 3:18), and serving Him with it (1 Peter 4:11). Strength: He supplies all of it and He is all of it.
I wish I could say I had some big mission to make an impact in the world. Maybe I used to dream. But sometime during my adult life my childhood dreams met the roadblock of fear, life became normal in many ways, my fear got stronger, and then finally, OCD showed up in full force. When OCD came knocking, I had to fight hard just to survive. I had to learn what normal was again. And now, slowly I’m beginning to think about hopes and dreams again.
This fighting for normality and learning to dream is still happening every day of my life. I think that typically may be how God works- in paradox. Completely delivering us but then continuing to transform us. Doing this in humble meekness, yet with complete power and authority. Completely Sovereign, but also giving us human responsibility. Reconciling perfect justice and limitless mercy at the Cross. And so growing to become comfortable with paradox is the place I find myself in. And I’ve found that sharing my journey continues to help me heal, and so this blog is a part of that. Writing helps me get thoughts out of my head and into the light. And I realize this makes me vulnerable and open to criticism, which is just another fear I’m facing because to become truly free I must risk something. I must continue to sacrifice my desire for certainty in order to truly live and be okay with the fact that I may write or do something imperfect. (Especially since my ability to retain grammar rules is fair to partly cloudy and my pictures aren’t that great, plus…I have much more to learn). So, I invite you to join me, if you like, on my imperfect journey of learning to live in the tension of paradox.